By Tricia Murphy

Day 19 had some very personal challenges for me. You see, I don’t like conflict. I get that pit in my stomach and it feels like I might puke, if I had to be honest. I usually see the conflict as a barrier to the friendship so I usually manage to figure out a different way around the conflict instead of seeing it as a door to a deeper relationship.

Let’s say I have a conflict with a friend. Instead of going to them directly, I have the entire conversation in my head. I conjure up both sides of the story, with every possible angle, until I believe I have exhausted every answer I can think of, and might I add, usually ends in my head with one or both of us angry at the other. So, I stuff the issue deep down without the other person ever knowing how much it is bothering me. I think I am saving both of us the heartache.

Unfortunately, I have found this approach sometimes ends in outbursts or avoidance. The other party has no idea where either is coming from and then a distance in our friendship starts to take place. As you can imagine, this creates a real mess in my relationships. Any conflict appears to be a possible end to a great relationship. I think I am saving all of us heartache and keeping us close, when in reality, I am probably causing a wedge, and we grow farther apart.

Rick Warren states the tunnel of conflict is the passageway to intimacy. Tunnels cause a sense of claustrophobia for me and when I connect them to the word conflict, I have the same feelings, like someone has their hands wrapped around my throat.

But if I finish his statement, the tunnel is a passageway to intimacy. I am actually drawn to the friendship this implies.

It can produce a friend that knows me, my failures, my imperfections, my difference of opinions, even if those things can sometimes cause conflict. The conflict can actually draw us into a deeper understanding of each other if we pursue understanding through the conflict.

The idea of intimacy can cause us to want to hide, avoid, and for some of us we feel like we might suffocate if we let someone get close to us. God designed us for intimacy and many times the quickest way to intimacy is working through conflict. I can think of one person right now that I have been avoiding because I know we have some things to work through, but the payoff will be worth it.

Tricia Murphy is GO director at Green Bay Community Church