It’s Monday, December 15, 2014.
For anyone in church work, December is busy. It is when most churches are busy with activities and above and beyond expectations from their congregations and themselves. As a worship leader I often wrestle at Christmas time. I love Christmas, but I find myself every year getting to the same place. “I can’t wait for Christmas to be over.” I don’t like getting to that place. But I do get there nonetheless. So I decided to try and be as brutally honest as I can be as to why that happens. I believe (I hope) that other worship leaders feel the same things. So here are five confessions at Christmas time.
Confession #1 - Sometimes… I don’t like Christmas carols. There I said it. That feels good. A weight has already lifted. I can still be a human being that loves Christmas, but sometimes loathe carols. Not always, just sometimes.
Confession #2 - I can get resentful at the price my family pays for all the “extra” work required at Christmas time. This is a two-part confession. I confess my resentfulness, and I also confess that I project this. I know that my boys feel the tension of a crazier schedule but they also love hanging out at church. They think church is a magical place where they get snacks and can ride their scooters willy-nilly. Harper and I get to work together on the programs around Christmas which is wonderful, but sometimes our lives revolve around Christmas programs, not each other, and we feel that.
Confession #3 - It is easier for me to believe the lie that I need to perform for God and others at Christmas time because our programs are so big, and there are so many people that come out of the woodwork and show up that it makes me believe that I better put on “a good show”. It’s a wonderful thing that we get to “up our game” at Christmas. It’s fun and exciting to challenge ourselves musically and programmatically, but sometimes I feel like we have to be over-the-top creative or inspiring or talented in order to evoke a “wow” from the congregation. God will do the “wow” factor, he doesn’t need me to do that.
Confession #4 - I can so easily fall into entitlement around Christmas time. I can play victim and feel that I deserve some credit for the extra work and time that I am giving. That is a lie. Victim mentality does not ask for help. If it does, it is no longer a victim. If I am truly overwhelmed, all I need to do is ask for help. Our staff and leaders are very gracious in being willing to help with whatever may be needed and to come alongside anyone on staff that simply says, “I need help”. If I stay locked in my own head about how I am the victim because I am working so much harder and spending so much more energy, then I can spiral into self justification of my state. If I’m vulnerable and let others into that state, I would actually find relief. So, I confess that tendency, but I am also declaring that I am not a victim. I have friends and family that love me and are willing to help in anything that I may need. I am a rich man in that regard, and I am thankful. It’s hard to be a victim when you are grateful.
Confession #5 - This last one is probably the most current and in “real time”. I confess that this year and in years past, Christmas time is the most spiritually empty time for me. Because of all the aforementioned confessions, I am left feeling empty and distant from God. In a time where we are celebrating and remembering one of the most significant moments in the history of our faith, I feel… blah. And that’s sad. I don’t like it. This affects everything in my life. It already has. My marriage, my kids, my effectiveness as a leader, my countenance, my motivation, my music. You name it and it is affected by my spiritual desert. I cannot do more, behave better, become more disciplined and just rise above it. I need to embrace it. I need to own it. So that God can meet me where I am. If I just read, pray, and study more, all I proved is that I don’t need God and I can muster myself out of the darkness. And so here I am. Not where I want to be spiritually, and yet not willing to try and perform my way out. So this confession is really a confession that simply says, “I need God”. I do. I need him. He will provide what I need. He always has. Even if I didn’t see it or believe it right away. I know and believe that he will again.
Sorry if this was a downer. I didn’t want it to be a downer, nor did I want it to be a counseling session on display. Perhaps both are a bit true. But I want to commit to be honest and vulnerable even if it's awkward or uncomfortable for me or for you. So thanks for hanging on to my musings.
Christmas Eve is going to be awesome by the way!
Verse of the day:
But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”
What I’m Listening to: Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors “Chasing Someday” (Can’t get enough of these guys).
Music Nugget: - This is probably confession #6. The power of rehearsals. I know that there are some weeks at church that it may feel like we don’t need to rehearse. I get that. I have been pretty lenient on rehearsal schedules and such. This Christmas I was more than lenient on some of our rehearsals in regards to not having everyone there. I am learning that this is not a good idea. I see the power of being united from start to finish. The unity that is born from trudging through the mistakes and flow in order to get the desired outcome. This Thursday will be the first time everyone will be on hand for a rehearsal and I am nervous. If we had been all together from the beginning I would not feel this nervous. Next year, I will experiment with some different options to get everyone on board earlier.
