It’s Monday, December 1st.

The two weekends prior to Thanksgiving I was essentially a single parent.  Harper had the Women’s Retreat at Blue Harbor resort and then the following weekend visited friends in Seattle with our oldest, Joel.  This was the longest that I had ever been the sole parent.  This is not a set up to some humorous anecdotes of a fumbling, unaware, disconnected dad that had to idiotically figure his way through meal prep, diaper changes, bath times, nap times, bed times and the like.  I know that I am not a perfect dad but I am very aware of all of that and help as much and as often as I can with the raising of our children.  This is a sad story.

Several times during these weekends I found myself saying “I don’t know how single parents do it!”  Not just because of the sometimes overwhelming demands of toddlers, but because it was lonely.  I didn’t have my wife nearby to make eyes at when the kids were driving me crazy.  Nothing changes when I can give that look of “call CPS because I’m about to put a child in a suitcase and stick him under the bed because I just need some quiet”.  But when Harper can look back at me with a subtle smirk and shrug her shoulders and it gives me comfort to know that someone else is seeing this and knows that “yep, it’s hard sometimes”.  I wasn’t alone.  Just being able to share in the emotion offers relief.  The thought of not having that outlet to share in the sometimes crazy feelings, brought much empathy for those that are raising and have raised children on their own.

And so here’s my ode to single parents:

First of all, you are doing a good job.  You are not perfect, but you are not a bad parent.  I know sometimes you feel like a bad parent when you do things throughout your day to escape your children even for just a few minutes of quiet.  That’s OK.  Don’t beat yourself up over it.  If anything, schedule it.  Give yourself permission to stick your headphones in and listen to something other than Disney or Veggie Tales for a few minutes.  

Give yourself grace.  If your house is full of toddlers like mine is, the house will be messy.  Where in the rule book  does it say that you have to keep a perfectly tidy house?  You have mongrels whose mission is to destroy anything clean or orderly.  If someone casts judgment on you because of the condition of your house, don’t invite them over again, they obviously don’t have toddlers, or are so removed that they have forgotten the reality of the uphill, never ending battle of trying to keep things on the shelf, marker off the walls, food splatter off of everything and sweeping crumbs from places that are so mysterious as to how they even got there.  

Don’t believe the lie that your children hate you or are being warped by the things that you may have overlooked.  Perhaps the TV has been on too long.  Perhaps you didn’t respond kindly to your child’s whiny request for yet another snack even though they didn’t eat a bite of the Mac N Cheese that you made for them.  Perhaps you let them play mindless games on your iPhone/iPad way too long just so you could take a shower or get some laundry done.  Perhaps you were overly distracted checking FaceBook when your child was trying to show you the “art” they so proudly made with their yogurt.  Perhaps you denied their request to play outside in the snow simply because it got to be too much work for you to put on all of their snow clothes.  The reality is they are sinful little creatures and so it’s not a question of whether or not they will be screwed up, but how bad.  That doesn’t mean that they will hate you or blame you for how screwed up they are, they got there all by themselves, with their own sin and adaptations.  Granted we as parents play a big role in how our children adapt and cope with tension, conflict and love but if you remain open to the conversation there will always be room for healing, even if they are 40 years old and come to you and say “can we talk about some things from when I was a kid?”  Remain open to the conversation and admit failure and there will be hope for a continued loving relationship.  With that posture you and your children will have a healthy respectful relationship even amongst the hardest of environments.  

You are not alone.  Seriously, you are not.  You have more people than you may realize that would be willing to take the kids even for an hour just so you can go cry, clear your head, read a book, pray, whatever you may need to do.  Call someone.  Call the church and ask for help.  Call someone.  Text someone.  FaceBook message someone.  If your list of friends to call runs out, that does not mean that you are alone.  This is where faith comes in.  The more that you believe that God is crazy about you and is celebrating your victories and suffering in your pain right in the moments as you are feeling them, the more that you can find assurance that you are not on an island.  It sounds cliche and Christian-ese but it’s true.  God is with you, He will never leave you, He will never forsake you, even if you cry out to Him in anger at what may be transpiring right in front of you with your children.  He can handle it, he’s been there before.  He sees you, he knows you, he loves you, he accepts you, he offers relief, sanctuary and salvation.  He knows and loves your kids.  He knows how crazy they can be.  He knows how maddening they can be.  He also knows what he has planned for them.  That is information that we are not privy to as parents.  But we have to trust that God does.  Your strong-willed children are held tightly in the palm of God’s hands with plans and works laid out before them that were planned before the foundations of the earth.  Your child that seems to just not understand or advance in development as your other children is loved and being cared for by God to do great things in this world in the name of God.  Your compliant well behaved child is being shaped into a Godly character.  Your children are yours to care for, but they are not yours alone, and so therefore you are not alone in their raising.  

Again, I am not a perfect parent.  I lose my temper, I say bad words sometimes, I say hurtful things to my children sometimes, and I don’t do things right.  But I too am loved by God.  My best efforts of love that I offer my children do not compare to the love that he offers, and so I surrender my children to him and ask him to give me the words, the deeds and the heart to love my children well.  

Much of this is true for families where both parents are present but I just have an extra dose of empathy for those that are going it alone.  Be encouraged, keep it up.  You are a good parent.  Don’t give up.  

What I’m listening to: Brad Paisley - “Moonshine in the Trunk” (need a break from Christmas music)

Verse of the day: [ The Word Became Flesh ] In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.